Small Town Girl

As many little girls I was a daydreamer as well. Constantly trying to imagine how my life's going to turn out and more importantly how will I look like when I grow up. Who will I be? I never wanted to stay the same. I always thought to myself when I'm 15, 20 or 30 years old I'm going to be this and that and I'm going to look completely different. Can't imagine my younger self was so right.

I keep trying to identify myself. Trying to figure out who I am and where do I belong. I'm guessing there's a proper psychological explanation why that is. What I'm trying to say is that until a few years ago I was sure I was a small town girl. Living even in Ljubljana terrified me. I had everything I needed on my little street. Which kinda makes sense since I didn't know much about anything else, meaning there's a huge world out there. Filled with millions of people with different stories, different views, but similar fears and needs. You get lost in wondering what is best for you, what kind of decisions are you suppose to make, bottom line what the fuck do you even want?! And constantly asking yourself is this really me. Why do I have to know? Today I'm feeling a certain way so I'm gonna go out and dance all night, tomorrow I'm going to a classical concert. Today I desire a woman's company, tomorrow man's. Today I'm being serious about life, tomorrow I'm feeling more adventurous. Todays and tomorrows are sometimes few years apart. We hate it when people put labels on us, but isn't more important what labels we put on ourselves? Those are the ones that hold us back. Our preconceptions of who we are, before we even know it. Before we explore all our options. And I guess the only thing to do is trust yourself and your gut! It hasn't done me wrong so far!

Leaving for California on 20th of August.

Barb

The Next Chapter

Hvaležna sem za pretekle pisarije. Vsake toliko malo preberem za nazaj in kaj novega opazim. Danes sem opazila oz. se mogoče tudi spomnila, kako svobodno sem se počutila v svojem pisanju. Nobenih zadržkov, nobenega strahu pred kritikami ali mislimi drugih. Napisala sem točno tisto kar sem želela in potrebovala. Očitno je ta samocenzura nekaj novega. Mogoče se je z vajo ponovno znebim.

Trenutno se bojujem z izrednimi bolečinam v trebuhu. Po krajšem samoopazovanju sem ugovila, da gre za strah in živčnost, mogoče je zraven zaznati kanček nesigurnosti. V upanju, da bo pomagalo pišem. Težko odmislim stare zapise brez, da bi jih primerjala s sedanjostjo. Nekako sem se našla, počasi in boleče odrezala vezi racionalnosti in se podala na pot, ki je verjetno težja, a očitno me lahke poti z vedno istim razgledom dolgočasijo in silijo v tiste luknje brezupa. Kljub vsemu, da se tega zavedam, pa telo rabi svoj čas, da sprocesira vedno nove odločitve, ki jih zadnje čase veliko hitreje sprejemam. 

Kot zanalašč je bil prvi stari post, ki sem ga danes prebrala ravno tale. Človek o katerem sem si tako želela govoriti takrat se je ponovno vrnil v moje življenje. In občutki se nadaljujejo, kjer sva jih takrat bila "prisiljena" dati na stran ali pa preprosto še ni bil čas za to. Sedaj je. In zato nove odločitve, novi koraki, nova težka pot, nova spoznanja, nove dogodivščine, nove solze, nova veselja. Nova mavrica življenja. In v tem vidim čar. 

Mislim, da vam nekako hočem sporočit, da se moja londonska dogodivščina s septembrom zaključuje in da se začenja nova še malo bolj oddaljena. Grem pogledat v Kalifornijo v najin prostor pod soncem. S tem oznanilom tudi upam na ponovno "odprtje" bloga. Dobrodošli nazaj!